What to do when life feels like a blank canvas
Originally published Nov. 29, 2017.
Updated March 18, 2022.
It's no secret that I like to create art. There's something wired inside of me that enjoys throwing colors around and moving them into shapes and images. I'm a creative and creatives like to create stuff, simple as that.
But what do you do when you’ve finished one beautiful masterpiece, and feel it’s time to begin again? For many of us, stepping up to a blank canvas can be one of the most terrifying experiences in life.
Recently I've found myself knocked back down to a blank canvas again. I'm speaking metaphorically, in reference to my life. I thought I had a few things lined up, a secure future with a good guy and a great job, but all in an instant it vanished.
How does it feel to wake up and find yourself back in the middle of the ocean? On one hand, I can swim anywhere I want. I can go any direction from here—up, down, east, west—I could jump on a boat or go scuba diving, it's all open from here. But on the other hand, it's terrifying to think I have nothing to lose, nothing to hold me down or give me direction.
I remember feeling this way after college. I had a degree and the world at my feet. But the truth is, people don't thrive when we have a surplus of options. We thrive when we have to make a smart decision out of two or three realistic options. It's part of what is wrong with my generation but we don't have time to go into that discussion.
Thankfully, after college I read a book called “The Defining Decade.” In her book, Dr. Meg Jay talks about the psychology behind this frightening sensation. It's exciting to think you can do anything and so the excitement usually causes indecisiveness because a decision means saying no to other open doors. For many young people it is most helpful to make a list of the realistic options in front of you. When we get overwhelmed with the vast majority of options it is important to remember there aren't that many options that are actually achievable in the present moment.
For me, I'm taking this lack of direction as an opportunity to fill some blank canvases; both metaphorically and literally.
Dr. Jay says, realistically we never really have more than 6 options at any given time. Think about that. When you feel overwhelmed with decisions and all the freedom that being a millennial brings, stop and write down as many options for one single decision as you can. I guarantee you it’s no more than six.
For example, my partner and I are currently figuring out which state we want to move to. I have an internet-based career, so I can live anywhere. He is in a similar situation. Our tendency is to scroll through list after list of “ BEST PLACES TO LIVE”, “BEST TOWNS FOR MILLENIALS”, “TOP 10 STATES FOR ARTISTS” and so on and so forth.
But honestly?
All this does is confuse us more. And double honestly, it’s all relevant anyway. One author's favorite state may be another author's least favorite. The highest scoring city for public schools may also be the city with the most crime.
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At the end of the day your heart knows the way.
Your soul already has the answers.
It’s the mind that confuses us and tosses us around the crashing waves of fear and doubt.
When we calm ourselves, return to center and check in with our innermost being, we will find that we actually do know what we want.
In this example, I would write down our six options as follows. This is not in order of ranking, just laying out the six simple options we actually have to consider.
California- this is where Tyler’s family lives.
Oklahoma- where my mom lives
Texas- my brother and Tyler’s sister are here
Arkansas- a state I’ve always loved and always felt soulfully connected to
Montana- a state Tyler’s always felt connected to
Utah- just for the sake of having a sixth option, this would be a state we both like that is central to the other five options.
You may instantly be thinking, “but Haley-there are 44 other states! And 194 other countries!! And endless towns, villages and cities!”
That is correct.
But it also isn’t the point.
REALISTICALLY— we aren’t excited by the idea of living in a different country right now. (I could totally see it later on though haha) And also, we aren’t making a list of cities, just states. And yes, there are 44 other states, but truly, they don’t get us what we really want. We have 3 states of family and 2 that we both love independently. We both highly value our families and spend lots of weeks with both sides throughout the year. It wouldn’t make sense for us to deny ourselves of what we love and enjoy, would it?
Using this list of 6 options, we can now narrow down our options and begin to use a combination of feelings, intuition and inner knowing with facts, figures and data.
At the end of the day, it isn’t the decision that plagues us, it’s the fear of not getting it right. Our generation is one of the first to have the ability to live anywhere anytime. Only 100 years ago, our grandparents graduated high school, looked around the town they grew up in, found a mate, got married and got to work. Period. The limited options actually helped them succeed with ease. They didn’t experience analysis paralysis or FOMO because there were no other options and there was no social media or Google images to constantly toss them into waves of confusion. This is the Greatest Generation I’m talking about. Interesting coincidence that the greatest generation had the least amount of options, but also are statistically some of the most satisfied.
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Let’s talk about the fears.
As a double-certified life coach and intuitive artist, I work with hundreds of women each year to help them overcome their mental, emotional and spiritual obstacles so that they can step into the life they were born to live.
Throughout these sessions I have found that every obstacle points back to a deeper rooted fear. Fear is what keeps us stuck.
Fear is what keeps us in anxious thoughts, depression, and apathy.
Fear is the enemy to success.
Perhaps you can relate.
Here are a few of the most common fears that come up when you are looking at starting over or simply starting a new chapter in your life.
Fear of failure
When we are faced with the opportunity to begin again, or begin anew, it is extremely common to get excited, and then immediately be filled with dread around all of the “what ifs”. Most of these what-ifs are rooted in a single question: what if I fail? I have been stuck in this fear before too. In fact, it used to be the biggest fear of my life. I was terrified of failure, terrified I wouldn’t be good enough if I didn't succeed. Now, the thought seems comical. I no longer believe in failure. Only journeys.
One exercise I encourage my clients to do is allowing yourself to deeply explore this “what-if.”
So what if you do fail. What if the absolute worst-case scenario situation becomes your reality? Describe to yourself what that would look like.
Then, consider: is that better or worse than where you are now?
So often our ego (which is a part of the brain who’s job is to keep you safe) tricks us into thinking we won’t survive if we change. We won’t make it if we do something different. Humans are creatures of habit and change threatens our habits.
Whether you’re thinking of starting a new business, moving to a new city or quitting your job – all of the fears around failure are little more than your brains attempt to keep you safe. Thank your brain for its advice and choose to lean into your heart of hearts, which serves to help you THRIVE.
Do you want to simply stay alive, or do you dare to thrive?
>>Want a free 5 minute activity to help you connect with yourself? Grab your free guide here.
Fear of regret
This fear could be considered the opposite of the fear of failure. This is the fear of regretting the choice to do something new. Your mind races as you think of all the possibilities this new adventure will bring, only to feel a sickening in your stomach, wondering if you’ll regret not staying put. Afterall, things aren’t so bad where you are now, right?
These are again the tricks of the mind.
Consider: The greater regret may be not trying at all. Staying small and safe sounds nice in the moment, but in hindsight this leads to dis-ease in the body, feelings of apathy and hopelessness. Your soul came to earth to LIVE and to live in abundance of experiences, in the fullness of life, joy, and the pursuit of happiness. Give yourself the opportunity to stretch and expand.
I promise you, the regret you will fear from NOT taking the risk, will be far greater over the course of a lifetime than the feeling of regret you’ll have from potentially leaping forward and/or failing. Again, I do not believe in failure, only steps forward in the journey.
Fear of Judgment
The fear of other people judging your life – your successes, your failures, your choices, your appearance – is actually no more than the judgment you place on yourself. Psychology and neuroscience has proven that people are largely self-focused. That means good news – people really aren’t watching you and judging you HALF as much as you think they are!
The truth is: YOU are judging YOU. You have the power to change the way you think about yourself, so that you can change the way you show up in the world.
Psycho Cybernetics clearly tells us that what we think, we are.
If you are living in fear of being judged, it is probably because you quite harshly judge both yourself and others.
If you are living in poverty, it’s probably because you think with a poverty-aligned mindset.
If you fear what other people will think of your new life, stop and release the judgment on yourself. You are exactly where you are meant to be. This new step is what you are meant to do. Believe that and your fears of other people’s opinions will melt away.
>>Want a free 5 minute activity to help you connect with yourself? Grab your free guide here.
The bottomline: Fear of not being good enough.
At the root of all of our fears is one single fear. The fear of not being good enough. Louise Hay, in her book You Can Heal Your Life, quite literally explains how this is so. You can also ask any counselor, healer or coach and they will tell you the same.
At the root of each heart is a deep question that we bring into the world. Am I good enough?
We search for validation from our childhood classmates, our teachers, our parents. When we are older, if we haven’t healed this question from within, we bring this question to our professors at university, to our friends, our boss, our co-workers, our partners and anyone who will listen.
We live this question when we work so hard we get sick. We want to prove our worth.
We live this question when we say yes to everyone but ourselves, because we want to prove that we are nice, that we are dependable, that we are a good friend – that we are enough.
You live out this question in every area of your life everyday. This is the root fear that is keeping you unhappy, stuck and small. If you can learn to love and accept yourself, giving yourself the gift of enoughness, you will be able to do anything you set your mind to.
Starting a new chapter in life is a thrill. There is a mix of excitement, fear, dread, anguish and joy. It’s normal to be afraid. We all fear the new. Try to feel the fear and do it anyway. If you are mostly excited-nervous, then you are 100% on the right path. Lean-in and let the current of love float you downstream, into this new and beautiful adventure.
There will most certainly be ups and downs. You may make mistakes or feel like all hope is lost, but keep going. Your story would be boring without these uncertainties. That’s what makes life worth living. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You were born for this.
>>Want a free 5 minute activity to help you connect with yourself? Grab your free guide here.
Are you craving support and encouragement around a new life adventure?
Perhaps you are feeling stuck and afraid, wondering where to turn next.
No matter what fears you are feeling, I invite you to book a complimentary coaching session with me. I would love to lend two listening ears and see if there is anyway I can be of service to you during this time.
There is absolutely no obligation to buy anything. This is simply my heart serving yours — if you choose to receive it.